


for those who wait.

by commonemergency



Category: Dan Howell & Phil Lester - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil, dan howell/phil lester - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Existential Crisis, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Unrequited Love, identity crisis, learning to love again, lot of metaphors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-26 01:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9856130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: When Dan and Phil move to London and try to figure out what their relationship is and what it means to them it comes to many questions and not that many answers. Or the one where Dan gets lost and Phil waits for him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing this around 11:00pm at night and finished at about 4:00am. i haven't written anything since december and i felt like i couldn't write anything- but i had this tiny little idea and this transpired. hope you enjoy it all the same.

**i.**

Here’s the certain things that Phil knows: He loves him. He wants him happy. 

And here’s the uncertain things that he doesn’t know: If Dan loves him back. If He wants to be happy.

Then there’s the smaller things that Phil knows: when Phil makes Dan a coffee it needs to have just enough cream and sugar to not taste like coffee, he ends up spilling the coffee on his pajama pants because of the way he leans on the couch. Dan can make a good green and yellow curry, but he needs help with the rice. He knows that Dan has listened to 808’s and Heartbreak at least three times this month because it was “underrated”, and he can forgive the radio stations for continually playing Love Lockdown and Heartless.

It’s sad, because it’s small intimate details about Dan that no one else knows, and no one else will ever know. 

**ii.**

Dan hasn’t actually slept in a couple of days, and he hasn’t kept up with his subscription box or gone on any forums, he just goes on the computer to look like he’s doing something when really he’s staring at word documents, they’re blank and nothing is coming to him. It’s not just an art or a video block- it’s just. A block. He’s had it for a while now but it’s becoming more evident, that fear of… _everything_ is seeping into his daily tasks because he’s scared and he’s lonely and there’s so many things happening and not happening all at once. 

It’s morning now and there’s a cup of coffee on the table that Phil leaves because he doesn’t bother knocking on his bedroom anymore to see if Dan wants to come out. Dan takes it and drinks it cold because the noise of the microwave is too loud and he just wants to go back to his room and vegetate for a while, pretend for a couple of hours that he doesn’t exist before he tweets something mildly depressing, halfway funny, try to be something other than just ordinary, not so extraordinary Dan. People will laugh because it’s funny, and some will hate it because it’s true. 

Dan still laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world, but it’s over shared links that Phil will send him and he’ll watch it in his room, and he won’t talk about the way that Phil knows that it’ll make him laugh, and he won’t talk about the way that the video is supposed to be fails but he’ll still look at the guys that are comfortable with their shirts off and their bare chest showing. And he certainly won’t talk about the way that his eyes linger a little longer, and he’ll close the tab and find something new to laugh about. 

**iii.**

They have friends in London, surprisingly, no one really believes them, but the audience always liked to pretend it was just Dan and Phil, when Dan always said they’re just Dan. And just Phil. Separate. But they have friends. And they come every once in awhile, they bring beer and they bring wine and someone will bring the cheese even though Phil hates cheese and Dan will look over at Phil and they’ll laugh respectively, because they both know, and it’s the small things like that Phil holds onto, he just doesn’t know if Dan does, too. 

(he does. he does. he does.)

They’ve watched a lot of movies, the last one was about alternate universes, and everyone is a little tipsy or drunk and trying to play it off as best as they can that they swear they’re fine. No water, thanks. Dan is on the couch, Phil is sitting on the ground, their friends are spread across their living room that still needs to be decorated a bit, the walls are plain and bare other than a few posters here and there. 

“So, alternate universes- yay or nay?” her eyebrows are raised as she looks between the two who are as far as they possibly can be. 

“Yay,” Phil says with a small smile on his face, his arms are wrapped around his legs, his chin on his knees. 

Dan notices that he’s been in the same position as Phil and he quickly stops hugging himself before grabbing the bottle of beer that he had placed on the floor, he holds it against him like a security blanket and looks at a spot on the ground and shakes his head. 

“Nay,” he laughs because his friends laugh, and they say it’s typical because in a way it is. 

Dan is cynical and believes in nothing that isn’t proven by cold science. 

Everyone knows that- but the idea of alternate universes is exciting. At least, that’s what they all say, and Phil is looking away and not at Dan anymore and Dan felt like he said the wrong thing because in a way he did. He has. 

He’s gotten quite the habit of doing that. 

“I like to think we’re all out there- happy and shit. Got life worked out.” She says this while her eyes are closed and she’s holding the red wine and Dan laughs a bit, it’s absurd to think about. 

“It’s not real.” Dan chuckles, and he swears sometimes that he’s not trying to start something, most of the time he’s not, he doesn’t even know if his tone sounds rude half the time, he thinks that by laughing it’ll diffuse whatever tone he’s giving off but it never really does. 

“Maybe not.” she says with a shrug, getting up, a quick sigh, and then grabs her jacket from the table, “but it’s nice to think about.” she smiles slightly as they all get up, the room got a little bit colder, and they best be going anyway. It’s late. 

Phil avoids looking at Dan as he walks their guests out. Dan grabs all the cups from the living room and the leftover pizza to put in the fridge. He throws away the cheese she brought, no one will eat it anyway. 

By the time Dan finishes the dishes Phil will be in his room attempting to sleep but really just avoiding Dan because he ruined the night for him. He won’t tell him that to his face, but he can feel it, all away across the hall he can feel the disappointment of letting the people he cares about down again. 

**iv.**

London has etched it’s way into Dan’s heart. Manchester would always be special, in ways that Dan can no longer talk about, but it’s London that understands Dan’s heartbreak. He’s on the tube, he had a few meetings and a few shops that he had to go too. It’s nine o’clock and he’s listening to his music on the underground. He’s sat here for a while, watching people come and go on the tube, some are going home, others are going out for the night, there’s foreigners from America, he can tell by the way that they talk, he turns his music up a little louder as he watches the numerous stations pass him by, he’s still getting used to the transportation. 

If he’s being honest, he forgot where he was supposed to stop and now he’s overground, and it’s dark and not many people got off at this stop. He follows to go down the stairs and look at the map to see where he should have gotten off. It’s quiet here. It’s eerie, and doesn’t sound like London anymore, but he still loves it, because the neighbourhood looks safe, and he does this thing where he thinks, it’d be a good place to raise a kid, even if raising a kid in London seems ridiculous in itself. The thought makes his heart twinge a little, so he stuffs it away for another day and looks back at his map. 

He needs to go on the other side of the platform, he grabs his oyster card from his wallet and taps it against the machine and goes back up the stairs but on the opposite side to head back. The only sounds are the lamps and the few cars passing by. So he sits on the bench and his feet tap against the pavement and he takes a long breath as he makes a phonecall. 

After a few, but long beets he hears, “Hello?” and there’s laughter in the background. 

Oh. People are over. _Oh._

“Dan? Are you okay?” In the background he can hear people say shh and he knows that Phil has probably gotten up from the couch now. 

“I didn’t know people were over, sorr- uh, yeah, anyway.” Dan clears his throat now. 

“Are you okay?” Phil asks again and then another laugh. 

“Probably should entertain the guests,” Dan says with a small laugh that doesn’t mean anything, because there’s not much power or force behind it, no real emotion, and Phil has grown quite accustomed to that kind of laugh. It’s the kind of laugh that you do when you’re trying not to cry. 

Dan can hear rustling in the background and then a door close. 

“I think they’re alright. They ‘bout downed our wine we saved,” Phil doesn’t use the term ‘we’ or ‘our’ with Dan regularly, but it was special wine that they brought from Manchester, and that may not mean much now, but it meant a lot at the time. 

“I’m just in my room now,” he quickly says after, and Dan can imagine Phil moving the strands of hair from his face over slightly. 

“Okay.” Dan says, and the tube should be coming soon but this night hasn’t been going that great for him. “Um, I got lost. I’m okay now- I just uh…. Yeah. Got lost.” 

“Happens to the best of us, I guess,” Phil’s laugh is gentle. 

“Nah.” Dan says, shaking his head even though Phil can’t see, “Just me. I wasn’t paying attention,” It’s not that bad out here though. It’s a little cold, but Dan has his sweater and jacket on, he has enough battery life for his music and he’s not that far away from home. 

“Right.” Phil’s voice is light, and he can hear moving around in the bedroom, what Dan doesn’t know is that Phil is laying on his bed and holding onto his pillow. “Did-” Phil starts to speak, and it’s always so hard, because what are they anymore? Can they have conversations like this anymore? “Did you have a good day?” his voice gets extra quiet at the word day, Dan is about to hang up, he thinks. 

Dan is shocked with the question. He shouldn’t be. It’s a perfectly normal question to ask a friend. Are they friends? In the sense of the word yes, but there’s more weight to it than that. 

“I--” Dan’s jaw slacks, he’s looking at the bag he has set on the ground and he takes a deep breath. It’s been awhile since Dan has had a good day, and today was just…. Another day. He woke up the same, he ate breakfast, and went on the internet, and then he left, and it was a normal day. It wasn’t a good day. Just normal.

“It was okay. It’s just a day.” The tube is pulling up to the platform now. “Tube is here,” grabbing his bag from the ground. 

“Okay.” Phil sits up on the bed now, knowing he has only a couple of seconds before Dan hangs up again, but the only thing he can think of saying is this, “Try and not get lost again?” It’s a question, but Dan’s mouth starts to twitch before he realizes the weight of that question even if there wasn’t meant to be any. He breathes through the phone, a confirmation that he got his message, and he hangs up. 

**v.**

Dan’s better at being a host, he’s trying not to say what he feels all the time, and picks and chooses his battles wisely. He drinks more wine than he does to beer because he swears red wine “gets him there faster”. It’s a social lubricant but it helps during times of distress that he feels when there’s a group of strangers in his house that go by friends. 

“I love going back home to family,” she says this time, nothing about alternate universes, but the subject this time is about as bad as the last one. Dan can’t help but smile, shaking his head a little as he gets up and pours more wine into his glass. 

“We have this tradition of going out and finding a new ornament to put on our tree, I have about- oh, god, maybe twenty-four. Yeah, that’s about right, that’s my age right now,” she chuckles.

He drinks more. 

His family doesn’t really do traditions, but as people go around talking about their family traditions he wishes he had some that were worth noting and mentioning. The only tradition his family had was getting a tree and eventually putting ornaments up, and it was normally his mum. She didn’t ask anyone to help her put the ornaments up with her, she just did it to get it over with, and then she would put some lights on it and call it a day. 

Apparently, one of their friends parents make a special roast after putting the tree up, it celebrates unity, and Dan doesn’t have much of that in his life. Even though his body is warm he feels so cold. The harsh reality that his family doesn’t do much for _anything_ nibbles away at his insides. 

If Dan starts to talk he might slur on his words, but at least he’s acting appropriately; laughing at rather unfunny things, nodding his head in agreement to family things that he’s never had or felt, and tapping his fingers against the couch to make it look like that he’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine. 

He wants to leave them with something to remember, but Dan stays quiet as Phil walks them out of the apartment like he always does, because Phil is a gentleman, because he actually hugs them when they come and hugs them when they leave. He’s a consistent friend to many. 

Phil comes back to the living room where Dan drunkenly sits and he starts picking up the messes that they made.

“I- I, uh, almost said, maybe in an alternate universe-” Dan shuts his eyes for a second and then opens them back up and Phil is staring at him intently, “maybe in an alternate universe, her and her parents don’t pick out ornaments together.” he looks up at Phil from the couch but he can barely concentrate on him since his vision is a bit blurry. 

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Phil smiles sadly at Dan, his fingers go out to touch him but he drops his hand and ends up moving hair out of his own eyes. 

Dan and Phil were a series of almosts.

They could have been great. They were great- but they could have been _better_ than great. 

“Me too.” Dan gets up and he sways and Phil grabs him by the arm, waiting for Dan to push him off for touching him. Though there’s a little leeway off camera. It still makes Dan uncomfortable. Yet, when Phil grabs Dan’s arm, it doesn’t give Phil’s palm that burning feeling he used to feel when he touched Dan, there’s no real emotion to touching him now, it’s just like a dull feeling, something that’s been touched too many times to even recognize it anymore, and he doesn’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. 

“Let’s get you to bed,” Phil tries his best to lead Dan to his room, and he notices that even the distance of their rooms fits their current situation. Because that was truth wasn’t it? They had always been close but never close enough. They were almost there, only a few inches, spaces, between them. 

Dan’s head hurts badly and he shouldn’t have drank that much tonight but he couldn’t help it, or maybe he could have, but he didn’t want to. For once in his life he wanted to feel a little out of control but even when he was drunk he was so hyper aware of everything surrounding him. He still knew that he had to change out of his clothes he was wearing if he really wanted to sleep and be comfortable, but for the sake of tonight he crawls into bed, Phil helping him get under the covers and he pulls them up. This is around the time that Dan would say he’s not a child, because he’s not, but he doesn’t feel like starting something and going to bed hurt and angry. 

And as much as Dan didn’t want to admit it, Phil was a part of him, in every sense of the word, in every way, they picked up things from each other that they didn’t know that they picked up from each other, they had the same friends, and had the same taste in foods and tv shows and books. They went to the same places together most of the time, and still ate dinner together sometimes, even if Dan ate on the couch and Phil ate at the table. And there were times that Dan would look at Phil and think of that second of almost, or the way that his eyes twinkle when he’s talking about something that he likes, and maybe this was the alcohol, but he knows its repressing everything that he’s been feeling for so long, and it won’t come pouring out tonight, he has a little self control, but he can at least think about it. 

“I drank too much,” Dan moans into his pillow, and Phil is still in the room, sitting at the edge of the bed in complete darkness. Phil rests a hand on his leg, sort of, very lightly, but he can’t feel it because of the covers, or at least he thinks. 

They both knew eventually it would happen. They’d be stuck in a moment they couldn’t exactly get out of without one of them leaving, but Phil wasn’t leaving. Dan was right with Phil being a consistent friend. Thick and thin. They’re sitting in Dan’s room, and the only thing that you can hear is the nightlife outside their window, a group of teenagers yelling at each other about places they’re going to try and get into- a siren driving to an emergency. Phil thinks of all the moments that they had gotten drunk together and ended up being tangled limbs in the morning, and Dan would hold him for a couple of hours, counting freckles and moving back hairs from eyes. 

It felt like a lifetime ago. 

It’s a painful thing to know so much about a person and not really know anything at all. The future was something that never really terrified Phil, other than maybe dying, he wanted to live forever, but maybe not forever anymore if it consists of useless knowledge about the one you love. Who may or may not love you back. 

If only they were strangers again- maybe they’d do this thing right. 

Dan is trying to get comfortable and Phil gets up from his spot on the bed. 

“Maybe Dan in an alternate universe isn’t drunk, or, you know- maybe he is, but, he’s happy. He has family traditions, and he was the one who said it tonight. Except you know, it’d be twenty-two ornaments.” Phil quietly says as he reaches for the door. 

He doesn’t know if he’s hearing things, but he swears he hears: _maybe._

**vi.**

Dan is looking at other apartments, somehow their apartment fluctuates from being too small for Dan or too big- depending how his mental health is that day. He knows that getting an apartment won’t fix it. He’s not even sure if he’s able to get an apartment just by himself and be able to make the monthly payment. He’s had a lot of time to think about it, but he trusts the realtor he found, and he’s just looking. 

He meets with the realtor at Starbucks, and he gets a Caramel Machiatto, and finishes it by the time they get to the first apartment. It’s actually not that far from where they live now. He throws the cup away, sticks his hands in his pockets because it’s still so bloody cold. She’s making small talk and he keeps on thinking of how much better Phil is about talking to strangers and knowing what to say and what questions to ask. 

The realtor talks about previous owners, she talks about how beautiful it is for it’s price, and she talks about the view, and if he were to ever have a pet that it was pet welcomed. She’s talking about things that he doesn’t quite understand yet because he’s twenty-two and he knows that he needs to understand a lot of this stuff but he’s still as lost as ever, so he nods his head and leans in like he understands what it means. 

By the end she asks him if he wants to see one more and he tells her he’s had enough for the day- but she’s given him a lot to think about it, which is true. The London weather is terrible this time of year and it’s raining again, he pulls his hood up and walks to the bus stop. Earbuds in and his oyster card ready to swipe he leans against the pole. He can’t imagine himself living anywhere else but at the flat that he shares with Phil, but he can’t stop thinking about that night. Because while Phil thought he wasn’t aware, he knew, it had always been different with Phil. He didn’t want to push him away because he didn’t want him to leave. He knew that he had a lot of underlying problems that he had to deal with. He knew that there were issues that needed to be worked out, but he didn’t know how to try and fix it, he didn’t know if he could. Dan didn’t want to ask for help either, because he figured if it was meant to be- if it was important enough- it would work itself out. Yet, he knew he didn’t really believe in fate, it was something that people told other people to help them feel better. But he didn’t know how to explain Phil. 

The sounds of the bus braking tear Dan away from his thoughts, he follows in the orderly line into the bus, swiping his card and he walks up the stairs to the second floor of the bus and sits at the very front, his feet resting on the bar in front of him and he leans back in his seat as much as he can, it doesn’t help that he’s tall, but he tries to get comfortable and he closes his eyes, letting the music take him. 

He doesn’t realize that he’s dozed off until he feels someone sitting next to him, his eyes snap open and the bus is full of people now than what it was a couple stops ago. He looks at where they are right now and he’s not even sure where he is. Again. He sighs, getting up and walking down the stairs and the bus starts to move again and he holds onto the rail as tight as he can, in a couple of minutes the bus will stop and he’ll get out and assess where he needs to go. 

From what he’s seeing he needs to take the underground which is not too far of a walk from where he got off, he looks for a crowd that seems to be going the same way and follows them. The streets are wet and cars are flying past him and his ankles are soaked at least. Without thinking about it he’s already pressing on Phil’s name in his contacts, because as it turned out- the first person Dan wants to call when he’s lost is Phil. 

(he has yet to figure that part out.) 

Phil answers a moment later, and Dan sighs annoyed at himself.

“Phil, I’m lost again,” he runs a hand through his hair, trying to stay far back away from the group but be close enough as to not lose sight of them. 

“Again?” Phil chuckles softly on the other line and Dan’s can’t help but smile a little bit. 

“What were you doing?” Phil is at home right now, editing a video, and they don’t really tell each other when they’re leaving the house, they just go. 

Dan takes a deep breath and turns left with the group and can see in the distance the underground sign. “I uh, well, I was looking at apartments,” He regrets looking at apartments once he said it. Because it meant a lot of things. And he was trying so hard to not hurt Phil anymore. He was trying to be a better friend. After all the things that Phil had done for Dan, he’s looking to get away from him because it’s easier for Dan to concentrate, and he thinks of how fucked up that is. 

“But um… it was unsuccessful. It didn’t really mean anything.” That’s one of Dan’s favourite phrases lately. Phil’s heard it a lot this year. 

Yet, he knows. He knows why he probably went to look at apartments. Phil wasn’t the only one feeling it too. Whatever that feeling was- it hadn’t had a name but it was a presence all on it’s own. Phil doesn’t say anything and Dan is just breathing into the phone and he can hear Phil doing the same. It was for a single moment back when they used to fall asleep on the phone with each other. They didn’t have to say anything to know that the other person was there and that they were listening, even if it was listening to the sound of the other breathing. It was sad in the way that they wanted so badly to just. Live together to actually living together and Dan not crashing at Phil’s and sleeping and taking all the covers, to having his own room, to looking for a new apartment. 

“A lot of things you say don’t mean anything, these days,” Phil doesn’t say this with a bitter tone, but Dan can hear the sadness in his voice. It’s the same kind of sadness when Dan suggested they start sleeping in their respective bedrooms, the same sadness when he said they should go on a break indefinitely. 

And well- Phil was Phil, and he agreed to it. 

Dan sighs again, and he’s trying hard not to cry, he’s balling his free hand into a tiny little fist and taking a deep breath, somehow it gives him a sense of control. He’s biting down on his lower lip so hard it starts to bleed a little. 

“I know.” Dan quietly says over the phone, the drizzle of rain starts to become more prominent but Dan knows that the water on his cheeks isn’t from that- it’s from him. He sniffs a little and shakes his head, telling himself to get a grip. 

They don’t speak for a long time, well, it felt like a long time but it was only about a minute and Dan was getting close to the tube station. 

“Hey, Dan?” 

It takes a lot out of him, hearing Phil’s voice, because he had memorized it over the years, when they first started talking, he could predict what he was going to say with the tone of his voice, having heard all of it over hours of skype and talking on the phone when they were out and about; it was the kind of voice that felt like the first few moments of spring, a beautiful pink and purple sunrise to be woken to after days of rain. It sounded like hope and promise. 

“Try not to get lost again. I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back.” 

Dan takes another breath, slowly exhaling, closing his eyes for a second, nodding his head. Phil is the first to hang up this time. And that’s okay. 

Phil was waiting for him. 

When Dan got on the tube he thought a lot about the concept of alternate universes and why he was so against it in the first place. Maybe because at the time Phil was for it so that meant Dan had to be against it. In truth- Dan liked the idea of alternate universes. He liked the idea of there being different Dan’s in different universes and that maybe he was happy in them, like Phil said. Maybe things worked out for him in the end. Maybe he was someone else. Maybe he ended up with Phil. Maybe he didn’t. Which got him to thinking about Phil and why he was for it- maybe Phil believed all along that they’d end up together. _He was waiting for him_ , after all. Maybe he was waiting for him in the other universes too, not just this one. He’d like to think that the Dan and Phil’s in all the universes made it out okay- and that they got to achieve all the things they wanted to achieve. And were in love in all the ways they _were_ , and _are_ , without all that pain and hurt. 

Because at the end of the day everyone wants someone to talk to. Someone to be able to come home to regardless of circumstances in the past, present, and future. Someone to love and be loved by. And for Dan that was Phil, who was waiting for him while he figured himself out. 

When the tube came to a halt Dan checked to see if it was his stop and it was. 

It was time to go home.

**Author's Note:**

> some backstory: i went to school in london, and there were many times that i had gotten lost, and one time i missed my stop because a british comedian was on the tube and was talking to two women sitting next to me, and i ended up on the overground and it took me two hours to figure out my way home and i kept on thinking of damn, this would be such a good story. i just didn't know in what way. i wrote this because when my life is hard i tend to just vent it through dan and phil. and this is the weird byproduct. 
> 
> comments/kudos are appreciated.


End file.
